The Unhinged Plant Parent Calculator

Because your plants deserve the truth, not just vibes.

🌿 Light Me Up (Or Don't)

What kind of plant is this? Low Light Lover (e.g., ZZ Plant, Snake Plant) Medium Light Enthusiast (e.g., Pothos, Philodendron) Bright Light Obsessed (e.g., Succulents, Fiddle Leaf Fig) Which direction does the nearest window face? North (Gentle, indirect) East (Morning sun, then bright indirect) West (Harsh afternoon sun) South (Brightest all day, direct sun) No Window (You're brave) How far is the plant from the window (in feet)? Tell Me The Truth, Plant!